Words I hear so often. Why do people do that to one another? Why do they make plans for the future with each other just to have it all taken away by those words? Life may be fair but love sure isn't. I can say that I have found a resolution, a sort of awareness. I love and don't expect nor need it returned. I try not to talk of children not yet born or lives not yet lived because today I may be her and tomorrow I may not. I wish other people would see that. I wish the world would see it. Maybe things would be a lot different. A lot. My stomach hurts from witnessing the heartbreak of another. It's just another plan flushed down the toilet like a ring.
I wish I could save and she's absolutely right. This is too much. I can't deal with things like this. I wish she could find peace but she's holding on ever so tightly to something that walked out the door weeks ago. You can't make a situation better by being in the same room. let go, let god.
it just seems that lives like walls are crumbling down all around me. I am unprotected from the debris, still in the process of rebuilding my walls. You hurt I hurt.
I am slightly envious of new relationships. Maybe she is right and I just keep meeting the wrong people. People who live in heartbreak and fear of themselves and love. People who take what I so willingly give up. Maybe I need to stay away from people. Maybe I belong in sometime that isn't now, maybe yesterday or tomorrow. But it;s hard to find the right people who want you around and who want to talk to you.
What I want is clinginess. Someone who absolutely cares and calls just because. I want someone I can talk to without end. I just want one now and maybe 10 more later. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not good enough for their shoes or time. I wish I wish. an love. I want people to understand I don't love with intentions. I just like the way it feels underneath my skin. And how it makes one feel alive. Heartbreak is when dams are built to prevent the flow of things. Rivers, a lot like love, flow with grace and such a gentleness. And given time it changes its coarse. But fearful people build things to block it. To keep it, to change it, or to prevent it from flooding the city. What they don't know is that it's a force all on its own. It will overflow and kill everything and everyone even itself. It will veer off what you had planned and go where it so desires. I wait for a day when someone says...
just let it be.
all this wanting and waiting.
how to live in this world.
And I am shrugged off once again. I should be used to it.